Not Ready to Make Nice
The nice/awful thing about mental illness is that I get to spend a lot of time with my thoughts. I do mean lots of time. Not a single interaction or media consumption goes by without endless analyzing, self-berating, and obsession that ranges from momentary to lifelong. This week, however, most of my attention has been focused on one particular thing: misogyny directed at teenage girls.
I think I started thinking about this more when I watched Lindsay Ellis's brilliant "Dear Stephenie Meyer" video essay. If you haven't seen it, it's absolutely worth the watch. Ellis gives a different perspective on the height of Twilight popularity and hatred, tying all of the over-the-top "this phenomenon will ruin film and literature" to society's general hatred for teenage girls, their passions, and their presence. Admittedly, I was one of those people that hated the popularity of Twilight. I was more focused on Bella's lack of ambition and the message the books would send to women, but I absolutely joined in on bashing the franchise and its fans. It's easy to pretend that all of my vitriol was anti-patriarchal relationships, but a good bit of it was absolutely my media superiority complex. Now I see that same vitriol targeted at 50 Shades fans, and while that franchise is absolutely horrifying on issues of consent and manipulation, the majority of the backlash is focused at women for daring to have and express their sexual desires.
This week, I've had an all-too-close look at how much society hates teenage girls. I teach high school history, and there have been rumors circulating about an inappropriate teacher/student relationship. When I hear such things, my first instinct is to be horrified that a teacher would abuse their power in that way, and I hope that the girl will receive the protection and resources that she needs. As for the reactions of my teenagers, I heard a lot of variations on "I saw her and I wouldn't risk my career for that," "What does it matter? She was 17," and "He's such a good guy. Why should he be punished for one mistake?"
I had high hopes that the next generation would be more open and less misogynistic. Clearly, we're not there yet. Everything, from porn to children's media, sexualizes and excuses the exploitation of teenage girls. These young women are told from a young age that they have to be sexual, but not too sexual, and they have to be the gatekeepers of young men's sexual behavior, but they shouldn't explore their own sexuality too much less they be labeled as a "slut." It's an impossible line to walk and it ends up normalizing adult men lusting after and exploiting teenage girls. From the principal to the students, the majority of the rhetoric I've heard this week focuses on the fault of the teenage girl and how her looks weren't good enough to ruin a career over. This implies that a super attractive young woman would be "worth it?" Where is the blame on the adult with a fully-formed brain who abused his duty as a teacher and endangered the already-limited trust that society has for teachers? Where is the support for this girl and where is an open and honest conversation about consent with these children? I heard more than one misunderstand that the age of consent at 16 does not apply when a creepy, middle-aged predator wants to manipulate a teenager into a relationship.
This especially hits home because I was one of those teenage girls in high school. I was groomed by my middle-aged boss and manipulated into a sexual relationship that I didn't have the emotional capacity to handle at 17. This experience haunted my future relationships, and was a catalyst for the abusive relationship of three years I experienced in my early 20s. This sexualization of women is so normalized that when you hear about situations in which female teachers prey on teenage boys, the cesspool that is internet comments celebrate the crime as "lucky" for the boy involved. This is 1000% unacceptable, but inevitable if we keep up with sexualizing children and expecting young women to carry the burden of being born as sexual objects.
This has to stop now. We have to start having real, mature conversations with teenagers about consent, sexuality, and boundaries. This can't be like my talk in which I was told that my body was a gift to my future husband, but that's a conversation for a future post. They need to understand that any adult who would groom them into a relationship isn't a potential boy/girlfriend or a "wise, older woman/man with experience" but a criminal and a predator. We've seen the cycle continue in the last few years with movies like Call Me By Your Name and shows like Riverdale normalizing these situations, but it's our responsibility to stop it here and make the future better for the next generation. I challenge those who had experiences like myself to make it known that those weren't fun, normal coming-of-age experiences. They were predatory but I am no longer prey, and will do whatever I can to take away their power.
It's time to stop being silenced and to use my voice.
I think I started thinking about this more when I watched Lindsay Ellis's brilliant "Dear Stephenie Meyer" video essay. If you haven't seen it, it's absolutely worth the watch. Ellis gives a different perspective on the height of Twilight popularity and hatred, tying all of the over-the-top "this phenomenon will ruin film and literature" to society's general hatred for teenage girls, their passions, and their presence. Admittedly, I was one of those people that hated the popularity of Twilight. I was more focused on Bella's lack of ambition and the message the books would send to women, but I absolutely joined in on bashing the franchise and its fans. It's easy to pretend that all of my vitriol was anti-patriarchal relationships, but a good bit of it was absolutely my media superiority complex. Now I see that same vitriol targeted at 50 Shades fans, and while that franchise is absolutely horrifying on issues of consent and manipulation, the majority of the backlash is focused at women for daring to have and express their sexual desires.
This week, I've had an all-too-close look at how much society hates teenage girls. I teach high school history, and there have been rumors circulating about an inappropriate teacher/student relationship. When I hear such things, my first instinct is to be horrified that a teacher would abuse their power in that way, and I hope that the girl will receive the protection and resources that she needs. As for the reactions of my teenagers, I heard a lot of variations on "I saw her and I wouldn't risk my career for that," "What does it matter? She was 17," and "He's such a good guy. Why should he be punished for one mistake?"
I had high hopes that the next generation would be more open and less misogynistic. Clearly, we're not there yet. Everything, from porn to children's media, sexualizes and excuses the exploitation of teenage girls. These young women are told from a young age that they have to be sexual, but not too sexual, and they have to be the gatekeepers of young men's sexual behavior, but they shouldn't explore their own sexuality too much less they be labeled as a "slut." It's an impossible line to walk and it ends up normalizing adult men lusting after and exploiting teenage girls. From the principal to the students, the majority of the rhetoric I've heard this week focuses on the fault of the teenage girl and how her looks weren't good enough to ruin a career over. This implies that a super attractive young woman would be "worth it?" Where is the blame on the adult with a fully-formed brain who abused his duty as a teacher and endangered the already-limited trust that society has for teachers? Where is the support for this girl and where is an open and honest conversation about consent with these children? I heard more than one misunderstand that the age of consent at 16 does not apply when a creepy, middle-aged predator wants to manipulate a teenager into a relationship.
This especially hits home because I was one of those teenage girls in high school. I was groomed by my middle-aged boss and manipulated into a sexual relationship that I didn't have the emotional capacity to handle at 17. This experience haunted my future relationships, and was a catalyst for the abusive relationship of three years I experienced in my early 20s. This sexualization of women is so normalized that when you hear about situations in which female teachers prey on teenage boys, the cesspool that is internet comments celebrate the crime as "lucky" for the boy involved. This is 1000% unacceptable, but inevitable if we keep up with sexualizing children and expecting young women to carry the burden of being born as sexual objects.
This has to stop now. We have to start having real, mature conversations with teenagers about consent, sexuality, and boundaries. This can't be like my talk in which I was told that my body was a gift to my future husband, but that's a conversation for a future post. They need to understand that any adult who would groom them into a relationship isn't a potential boy/girlfriend or a "wise, older woman/man with experience" but a criminal and a predator. We've seen the cycle continue in the last few years with movies like Call Me By Your Name and shows like Riverdale normalizing these situations, but it's our responsibility to stop it here and make the future better for the next generation. I challenge those who had experiences like myself to make it known that those weren't fun, normal coming-of-age experiences. They were predatory but I am no longer prey, and will do whatever I can to take away their power.
It's time to stop being silenced and to use my voice.
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